Lessons Learned

DISCLAIMER: I should first begin by saying I am a survivor not a victim. Do not feel sorry for the things I endured but instead feel inspired knowing that even through adversity I came out standing tall! Some of my post may be uncomfortable to read but they represent the struggles many woman deal with on a daily basis not only by the hands of their abusers but also by a system of men who consistently oppress women in the system.


At sixteen years old I met a monster who would forever change the course of my life. On the night we met as we walked through the East Side of Providence he took me in his arms showed me the face of the man in the moon and kissed me for the first time. This was in the mid 80's where every girls dream was to have a romance like we watched in Sixteen Candles or Pretty in Pink. I believed I was living a fairly tale like I watched at the movies but my fairly tale soon came to a screeching halt.

Though there were many red flags in the beginning (his possessiveness, his controlling manner) I mistook them for loving gestures. The first time he hit me we were at a BBQ at his families home it was a hot day on the Fourth of July. We were surrounded by family and friends having a great time when we got into a stupid argument I honestly can not remember what it was about. We went into the driveway to talk and he slapped me so hard on my cheek I could taste the blood in my mouth from my teeth cutting into my jaw and his hand print immediately swelled my jaw. All hell broke out everyone was yelling and screaming, one of his brothers called the police my head was spinning his other brother convinced me to go for a ride to calm down, he disappeared. As I drove around with his brother and sister I was so confused I couldn't believe what had just happened. By the time we returned to his home his brother had convinced me that it was my fault for upsetting him.

When we got back the police were looking for me to talk to me about what had happened, Remember I was only still 16 at the time. When they talked to me I told them what had happened that I had upset him when we were having an argument. They asked if I wanted to press charges while his entire family stood and watched. I said what any 16 year old victim would say while surrounded by my abusers family I said no it was my fault. The police officer laughed it off with a comment to his partner about woman starting their complaining younger and younger. I will never forget the officer looking at me and telling me I should be more careful not to upset him so this didn't happen to me again.

That night I learned a lesson... no matter what happened it was my fault. I learned not to ask for help and accept my fate, I learned that as women when we speak up for ourselves it is often misconstrued as whining and complaining. I learned to suffer in silence.