Look after your friends. Make sure they're ok.

Life is a very powerful thing. It can lift you up or it can weigh you down. You can be on the top of the world and all of a sudden find yourself being crushed by the same power that was just holding you up. 

Not everyone has to go through this. Lucky.

But for those of us who do go through this, it can be a terrifying ordeal. You feel stripped of power, you feel stripped of control. You feel lost and in the dark. You feel the light inside of you being snuffed out. You feel so very alone.

The one thing we need is the one thing we push away, our loved ones. We don't want you to know what's going on with us because we feel like it's not normal. We are ashamed to feel so weak. So we close ourselves off from the world. We think we are protecting ourselves but really we are doing such terrible damage. 

I will tell you, if you see someone pulling away pull back.  It can be very frustrating for the people being pushed away and it is some much easier to say fine have your space but when people give us our space and allow us to pull away we feel, as untrue as it may be, like we were never wanted needed or loved in the first place. A feeling of abandonment creeps in. Help is no where in sight. It never is.

Here is a few things we want you to know, we need you to know, somethings you should pay attention to:

1. Always being late or canceling plans all together. It always starts with being late and then little by little we just stop showing up and cancel plans. I know this is frustrating for people we have plans with but we honestly don't have the strength to put on a happy face sometimes. Sometimes it is so much easier to pull the covers over our head and go back to a dream world. 

2. Drinking more than we usually do.  One day you turn around and all your plans revolve around going out and having drinks. You may not notice it right away but pretty soon you will see that the only time we come around is if there's booze involved. This is the moment you should say something to us. You should express concern. And if we don't listen, make us. The easiest way to hide your feelings is at the bottom of a bottle. The thing about that is it's a vicious cycle. You drink to feel better and wake up the next day even more depressed.

3. When you come over, if you ever do, and our place is a disaster. This is not because we don't care about what our place looks like and we are a slob. This is because we don't care about anything especially ourselves. We don't have the energy to get out of bed how do you expect us to have the energy to clean up after ourselves. This is a very important thing to pay attention to. The space we live in is a direct reflection of what is going on in our head. 

There is so much more that I could say about what to look for but these are the things I lived through. These are the things people ignored. These are the things I need you to know. 

The Power of Women

In a perfect world women would all support each other. In a perfect world we would hold each other up when one of our sisters are down. But we don't live in a perfect world. We as women are sometimes our own and each others worst enemies. 

I remember once a friend was over and the monster came home in rare form, yelling and screaming and belittling me in front of her and finally slapping me across the face when I dared to speak back to him. I do not remember her saying much except telling me I should leave him quietly when he was in the other room and then getting up and leaving after he slapped me. What I do recall is the next day when I brought my children to school and saw her on the playground talking to a few other mothers. It was not compassion for my situation she was showing instead she was making jokes with the other women about how stupid I was. I was already shamed by the horror I was living in and I didn't see a safe way out at the time and now I was further shamed by the actions of someone I considered a friend. 

I know she couldn't save me I know I needed to save myself I know I was in a bad situation which I would one day crawl up from. I didn't need her to save me what I needed was a friend. I needed someone in my life to look beyond my situation and see me as a person, a human being not the stupid woman the monster told me I was. Her actions validated to me what he had told me all along. No one liked me, no one loved me, I was a worthless piece of shit and I was lucky he tolerated me. 

A few years later I would go to work at a new place and I would meet a group of women who would not judge me. These women without even knowing it helped me realize I was a smart funny beautiful woman with a lot to offer the world. They built my confidence by showing me kindness and friendship I forever will be grateful to these women for the jump start they gave me to a better life. 

As I have aged I try to be more mindful of the way I treat other women. I try not to judge them on appearance or circumstance. I try to put myself in their shoes and show them compassion. I am not perfect and sometimes find myself showing judgement rather then compassion and when I catch myself doing this I quickly reign the negative thoughts in and make it right. An amazing poet and friend wrote this beautiful poem about women although I can not publish it here as it is her work I can share my favorite line "If the statistics are 1 in 4 that means 3 should be holding each other up WE should be holding each other up." This not only holds true for victims of all kinds of violence against women but this holds true for all women. If one voice has the power to make a change in this world imagine what the roar of millions of women standing in unity can do to make positive changes in our world.

Hand over Heart Challenge

Ok so we have heard of this belly button challenge right? If you can reach your belly button with your hand then you are thin enough....

Well..... I am NOT thin enough lol! Nor do I want to be that thin. I'm pretty happy with my strong core and my ability to out plank most. But power to those who like to be that thin and can reach their own belly buttons, I'd have to dislocate my own shoulder and I'm sure some people are so desperate to reach their belly buttons they actually might.

Now there's the collar bone challenge to prove you're thin enough... you place a stack of quarters in your collar bone and if they sit there you're thin enough.......ENOUGH!

My challenge to you is the #handoverheart challenge.
If you can put your hand over your heart and feel it beating, congratulations. You have a heart.
One thing we lose sight of is having a heart. Being kind to one another. Being kind to ourselves.
So let's remind the world that we have a  heart.

In a world full of Kardashian's and gossip magazines we lose sight of what is really important. Have you heard of the human element? Probably not. No one really talks about it. Not anymore. It's not important. What's important is how many likes we can get on Facebook, how many strangers love our selfies on instagram. How many retweets we can get. This is so important to us retweet was actually added to the dictionary!
My personal Facebook page has 154 people on it. I am happy with that number. I can say that I talk to  a majority of my 'friends' at least once a year. I use my Facebook to keep up with family and keep in touch with friends that have moved away.
I get requests from people I don't know, well not so much now that I have my profile picture set to me and my husband lol. I don't accept requests from people I don't know.
Also, if you won't say hello to me when I see you in the supermarket make sure you're not sending me a friend request. My friends list is for just that... friends.
How many people can say the same? I know Facebook, twitter, instagram, etc. is not going to make me famous but I also wouldn't want to be.
Look at all these celebrities trying to portray somebody. Trying to capture all they are in a selfie or a tweet.  I'm have a guilty confession, I read the comments on pictures. They are so mean. Or so doting.  Mostly mean.  All these people are either obsessed with love or obsessed with hatred.
It has got to be exhausting to try to be the person everyone loves or hates.
So rather than try to prove we are skinny enough, or pretty enough, or tough enough... let's just show we have a heart.

Let's see your selfies... tweet it, instagram it, Facebook it, delete it, do it for yourself. Let's show the world we still have a heart. Now trending! #handoverheart

From zero to my own hero

Growing up is hard to do. These are 6 words that couldn't be more true.
When you grow up, you find your own way.
You follow your own path.
You make your own mistakes.
You grow and move on.

The problem is, there are so many people out there that want to see you fail. They need you to fail so they can succeed. They need you to fail so they can feel better about themselves.
This is true at any age. You will always run into those people that enjoy your misery a little too much...

You learn that a big circle of friends is not necessarily the best thing. You learn to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You learn that trust has to be earned and once it's lost it is damn near impossible to get back. You learn.

In my life I have seen a lot. A lot of which I will not get into right now, those who know me can attest to that. At 32 years old I feel as though I have fallen to the very bottom and have fought my way back to the top blood, sweat, and tears only to trip and fall down again. Sometimes I have tripped over my own feet, sometimes I have been pushed by others. What I have learned is I am so much stronger then they think.

I'm not sure what is worse, realizing you're on rock bottom or having the floor fall out from underneath you. Both are equally devastating. You really have two paths to choose when either happens, accept it or fight it. It is so much easier to accept it. Sometimes we feel like all we are doing is fighting.

At this point in my life I have realized how people work. I have learned to see through their facades to look past the surface. I trust few and have learned to stick up for myself. No one else is going to. I've learned the consequences of self doubt and I've learned the rewards of self confidence.

I like to sum up things with songs.... I think every girl, every woman, every person that has ever doubted themselves, anybody who has ever wanted to give up... here are your theme songs...



FIGHT SONG by Rachel Platten and why I love it:

"This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me"

ROAR by Katy Perry and why I love her:

"I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agree politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up 

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up 

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now"

I love these ladies <3

Fire Academy Part II

Today while I was at work, I was asked how I liked the academy. I thought to myself how ironic to be asked this seeing that I started this blog post about the academy.  However, this post is not just about the academy, but the fire service in general.  I found it intriguing that as I explained a little about my experience, his comment to me was that he would forbid his girlfriend from ever becoming a firefighter, he wouldn't want her to be subjected to  all the verbal abuse.  My response to him was any woman can do what she wants. I try not to get too angry when it comes to explaining my feelings about women and their career choices to misled peers.  Yes, it is a dangerous job, I know what I signed up for.  But what I didn't sign up for is to be doubted, or disrespected.  

I digress....The first couple weeks of the academy were actually pretty exciting. We did many evolution's involving a lot of basic firefighting tactics and a lot of PT.  I felt pretty good about  keeping up with the guys.   I had quite a bit of training from my previous department, but I was glad the academy started everyone as beginners. Lord knows I needed the refreshers.  Then came the grading days......I'm pretty sure I stuck out like a sore thumb with my small stature buried in turnout gear.  I was blessed, however, to have one other woman in the academy with me.  She was a bit older and a lot more mature.  There was only a handful of these grading days throughout the whole academy, and as you can imagine were completely nerve wracking. So the first evolution test came along, low and behold the instructor picks me to go first. Now this evolution consisted of dressing a hydrant.  There were particular points you were suppose to hit on like parking the truck, chocking the wheels, pulling the line and the hydrant bag off the back and make sure that you stepped down the right way. How you put the couplings on, which one went first after the hydrant assist valve. So on and so forth.  I went through the evolution pretty nervous, with knots in my stomach and got it done.  At the end of my test the instructor walked over to me, real nonchalant and was like, meh, too many kinks in the hose, oh and he didn't like how I dressed the hydrant.  So he gigged me like 7 or 8 gigs, I get it, I didn't do it quite right. Not a big deal.  

The next evolution, I was also picked to go first, coincidence? I was hoping it was.  This evolution was more hands on and consisted of driving the truck, putting the truck in park, chocking the wheels, putting the truck in pump, getting a water source and flowing water.  So off I go, doing my thing and we are suppose to shut down the water supply to the hand lines when signaled to do so.  Everything went smoothly, even with the instructor watching me like a hawk with his obnoxious clipboard and pencil. Then the other instructor I thought signaled me to shut down the water, I'm not sure why I panicked, but I did and I shut down the main intake valve instead of the hand line valves. Whatever it was, apparently he wasn't signaling me to shut them down and I  screwed it up.  That one ended up with a dozen gigs and I wanted to crawl under a rock.....

I know these imaginary gigs were just used as a scare tactic, but they sure started to pile up.  I kept pushing the thought "its because I'm a female and they don't want to see me succeed" conspiracy out of my mind.  There is nothing I dislike more but that nagging feeling that its because I'm a girl that I am treated different, or to use that as an excuse.  The one thing I am is proud at times is that I am able to hold my own, or at least let me try, dammit. I pushed those negative thoughts aside, I still had 9 or 10 weeks to go.

One of the advantages of being one of the only women in the academy was the kick ass locker room we had.  While the guys lined up down the hallway to take their showers, I squeeze through the crowd of sweaty peers to enjoy a long relaxing shower everyday.  The boys would groan about their grueling hygienic routine and lament about how lucky we were.....that I have to say, was a wonderful perk I had.  I relished it.

Its been interesting trying to recollect all of these experiences since it's been almost 7 years.  A lot of other things have come and gone since then, including some of my memories, which in a way isn't a bad thing.  Probably filed some of the more painful experiences away for now.

5 songs to move your soul

Music is such a powerful instrument. It has the ability to comfort, to encourage, to inspire, to empower. There are several songs I turn to depending on my mood. If I want to get out of a bad mood, if I want to have a pity party, if I want to get pumped up, if I want to just feel good. Here is a list of 5 songs I listen to to remind me that I am good enough. Each song has a different mood to it  and it song has powerful lyrics that seem to embrace the way my mind works. Have a listen, you might just find the song that fits for you.

1. Colbie Calliet "Try"

     With all this different realities of what we should be, Colbie Calliet reminds us that we don't have to Try. We do all this stuff to impress everyone else but "do you like you?" The thing that we lose sight of is what makes us happy. That should be our number one priority, making ourselves happy. Truth be told, you can't make anyone else happy unless you're truly happy. You also can't look to someone else to make you happy. The key to happiness is you.
Every single person you meet is going to want you to be a different person. It's very important for us to learn who we are and be that person. Too many of us lose sight of that and want to be the next Kylie Jenner or Kate Upton.
Take a listen if you want to hear stuff like:

"Wait a second,

Why should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing"

2. Kacey Musgraves "Follow your arrow"

Kacey is such great songwriter. She takes the double standards we encounter everyday and says hey "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so you might as well do whatever you want."  She tackles so many topics such as how we should act, who we should like, what we should believe in.
The thing about it is, there's only ever two outcomes... you do or you don't, so why not do what you want?
If you're feeling confused about which way to go, listen to Kacey and she'll make you care a little less about what everyone else thinks. She puts a rather comical spin on it and makes us realize how ridiculous society is. She makes us remember we only live once so we might as well live the life we want.
How can you go wrong with lyrics like:
"If you save yourself for marriage
You're a bore
If you don't save yourself for marriage
You're a whore-able person
If you won't have a drink
Then you're a prude
But they'll call you a drunk
As soon as you down the first one"

So have a listen and a laugh, or don't. It's up to you!

3. P!nk "Most Girls"

This is the independent women anthem! P!nk has so many strong songs but this one gets me pumped up. I love when this song pops on my playlist the last mile of my run. It gives me that extra burst I need to bring it home.
I look up to P!nk for so many reasons. She does her own thing and seems to not care what anyone thinks. She puts her haters in their place and does it with her head held high. She seems to laugh at the preconceived notions of what a woman should be. We all should take a page out of her book and just laugh. Instead of worrying about being what they want, ask "Can you be everything that I dream of?"
She reminds us with her lyrics that we don't need validation from anyone.
"But I'm not every girl and I don't need that world to validate me
Cuz shorty's got a job, shorty's got a car, shorty can pay her own rent
Don't wanna dance if it is not in my heart"

4. The Wreckers "Stand Still and Look Pretty"

 I find this song so so powerful. It's where I find my strength in my weakness. This song is the song I listen to when I need a good cry. When I want to feel not so alone. It reminds me that it could be worse but at the same time it empathizes with the times I beat myself up.
We all have that vulnerable moment where we doubt ourselves. This song puts into words my weakest moments. This is the song about what happens when you try to be everything to everyone. This song is downright depressing but just like a great sad movie, we all need that great sad song.
The wreckers lay out lyrics that pull at my deep dark heart strings, they had the guts to put on paper everything I was terrified to admit.
"I am slowly falling apart 
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty"
DISCLAIMER: You may shed a tear and you may hit repeat just to make yourself feel not so alone

5. Katy Perry "Part of Me"

I have blasted this song in the car so many times for so many different occasions. Katy Perry, oh Katy Perry. She reminds me that no matter what people have done to me, there is always that part of me that you can never take away. We all let things get to us and this is the song we need to remind us that while it may hurt, you still have you, and you will rebound ten times stronger.
She reminds us that we have to keep moving forward, that was then and this is now... we have to grow from every life lesson learned.
She sets it straight, you can knock me down but I'm getting right back up.
"I fell deep, you let me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

[Chorus]

Now look at me I’m sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won't ever put me out again
I’m glowin’, oh, whoa"

It's ok to ask for help

One day you wake up and the world around you has changed in the blink of an eye.
Maybe it's because of work.
Maybe it's because of family.
Maybe it's because of love.
Regardless, you wake up with this hole in you. This feeling of hopelessness. This feeling of loss.  Sometimes it's hard to even say exactly what it is... it can be a bunch of little things and it was one straw that broke the camels back.
But this is just today, there's always tomorrow.
Unfortunately tomorrow you have an even harder time getting out of bed. What's the point? You couldn't sleep last night because your mind was racing and you couldn't find your shut off switch.
You get up anyways, you put on a strong face for the world and you go about your day.
The next day the same thing, and the next and the next. You tell yourself it's just a funk and you'll wake up better tomorrow.
But two weeks down the road this funk has you so drained, so exhausted, so on edge. It's starting to impact people around you. It's starting to impact your life.
This is real life, this isn't just a funk.
This is called depression.

Many people go through it and many people don't understand it. They try to put on a brave face and say tomorrow will be better, and maybe it will be. But some people get dragged down to the bottom of this deep deep ocean. Some people don't see a way out.

I went through this about 6 years ago when a whole bunch of stuff went wrong. I didn't see the signs. I didn't know what this was. I was too stubborn to go to the doctors. I was too stubborn to admit I was broken. I had always said no one will ever break me.
But I was broken. I let this go on for about 3 months until I almost lost my job, I lost so many friends, and I had stopped reaching out to anyone. I never asked for help.
I was pulled aside by a coworker and told that I was going to get fired unless I took time off because of stress. I didn't think it was that bad, I didn't think I was "that" person.
I dragged myself to the doctor.
Turns out I was depressed.
Turns out there was things that could help me.
Turns out there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
I just had to ask.
God, do I hate asking for help.

The thing about being a strong, stubborn, independent woman is you do go through rough patches. You do need to ask for help. You do need help sometimes. Sometimes you have to think about what's best for YOU and swallow your stubborn arrogant pride and say I NEED HELP!!!
It's ok. You're not the first person to ever say those words. Neither am I.

Lessons Learned

DISCLAIMER: I should first begin by saying I am a survivor not a victim. Do not feel sorry for the things I endured but instead feel inspired knowing that even through adversity I came out standing tall! Some of my post may be uncomfortable to read but they represent the struggles many woman deal with on a daily basis not only by the hands of their abusers but also by a system of men who consistently oppress women in the system.


At sixteen years old I met a monster who would forever change the course of my life. On the night we met as we walked through the East Side of Providence he took me in his arms showed me the face of the man in the moon and kissed me for the first time. This was in the mid 80's where every girls dream was to have a romance like we watched in Sixteen Candles or Pretty in Pink. I believed I was living a fairly tale like I watched at the movies but my fairly tale soon came to a screeching halt.

Though there were many red flags in the beginning (his possessiveness, his controlling manner) I mistook them for loving gestures. The first time he hit me we were at a BBQ at his families home it was a hot day on the Fourth of July. We were surrounded by family and friends having a great time when we got into a stupid argument I honestly can not remember what it was about. We went into the driveway to talk and he slapped me so hard on my cheek I could taste the blood in my mouth from my teeth cutting into my jaw and his hand print immediately swelled my jaw. All hell broke out everyone was yelling and screaming, one of his brothers called the police my head was spinning his other brother convinced me to go for a ride to calm down, he disappeared. As I drove around with his brother and sister I was so confused I couldn't believe what had just happened. By the time we returned to his home his brother had convinced me that it was my fault for upsetting him.

When we got back the police were looking for me to talk to me about what had happened, Remember I was only still 16 at the time. When they talked to me I told them what had happened that I had upset him when we were having an argument. They asked if I wanted to press charges while his entire family stood and watched. I said what any 16 year old victim would say while surrounded by my abusers family I said no it was my fault. The police officer laughed it off with a comment to his partner about woman starting their complaining younger and younger. I will never forget the officer looking at me and telling me I should be more careful not to upset him so this didn't happen to me again.

That night I learned a lesson... no matter what happened it was my fault. I learned not to ask for help and accept my fate, I learned that as women when we speak up for ourselves it is often misconstrued as whining and complaining. I learned to suffer in silence.

No such thing as might have been.

Tim McGraw once wisely said “You do what you do and you pay for your sins, there’s no such thing as what might have been. That’s a waste of time; drive you out of your mind.”

When you think about it, we really do waste so much time on what we should have said, what we should have done, where we should have been when really, we cannot change the past.

The definition of regret is “a feeling of sad, repentant, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.”

What the definition leaves out is a feeling of anxiety, that nagging voice that keeps you up at night replaying life’s events over and over again. That knot in your stomach that makes you question yourself, might even hold you back from giving things another shot.

We can’t do that. We have to change stop dwelling on the past and start focusing on the present, on the things we can actually impact.

There really is no such thing as what might have been; no one knows what might have been. You will drive yourself crazy with that one thought “what if.” You pay for your sins and you learn from them and you move on.

You tell that voice to be quiet, you hold your head high, and you say,” yep I did that and I certainly won’t do that again” and you grow. You own your actions.

The best teacher is regret. You learn what you want from life, or what you don’t want, and you improve your future.

I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past.

I personally have had my share of regrets, and I have let them in. I have let them take hold and drag me down. I didn’t see them as a learning tool; I saw them as a barrier. I was so self-conscious of moving on. I wasn’t sure that I could. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough.

But then I realized what has always been said to me…. night is always darkest before the dawn. In that darkness you look for the stars and you let them guide you until the breaking light of dawn appears, because one thing in this life is certain…. There will be night, and a new day will always follow.

Losing weight and finding yourself.

Every time we turn on the TV,
Every time we open a magazine,
Every time we drive down the highway,
Every time we walk through a supermarket register...
we come face to face with this unreal image of what we are supposed to look like.
We see these perfect, touched up, photoshopped images of how we're supposed to look.
We can roll our eyes all we want over how fake those women are but deep down inside we all scrutinize ourselves in the mirror.  We all have that thing we want to change, whether we admit it or not...

I feel bad for the women who are on the covers of magazines... to not have your glamorous, gorgeous photo be good enough to be a cover girl photo without photo shop and air brushing.

I see what I see in the mirror, the only version of myself I know.... but what do they see?
This is where the society and media has it so so wrong.
Our flaws are not flaws; they are the original, authentic, one of a kind things that make each of us unique. Although I may not love my crows feet, I still see them as smile lines from happy memories. Why should I see them any other way?
And my weight? I only step on the scale when I go to the doctor!
I have a muscular physique with a BMI that puts me in the average column. My weight, purely based on the scale number, says I'm obese. Granted, I may have 10 pounds I'd like to lose but I eat healthy, run, do yoga, and am very active. I walk at least 6 miles each day at work alone.... I am happy with how I look and feel.

I came across an article a couple years back about Crystal Renn. A supermodel who went from size 0 to plus size, all while keeping her modeling career. It was about how she "lost weight," how she lost the concept of weight and focused on herself rather than the number on the scale...

Now it's not my place to say which picture looks better, we all have different ideas of the ideal body. It just shows that she is HOT, and happy. We should all just take a page out of her book. What makes you happy? Because what makes me happy is not what makes you happy? You need to figure that out, then you can choose to be a size 0, size 10, or size 20. Just be healthy.

You can look at her transformation for yourself right here.

Rules I live by.

I have found peace of mind through the practice of mindfulness.   

I believe in karma. 

I believe whatever energy you send out, good or bad, you get back. 
This translates down to the simple fact that if you treat someone or something poorly you will get that same energy back in some way shape or form.

This is one thing that helps me be conscientious of my actions. 
This also helps me cope when I am treated poorly.

Over the years I have learned that how other people treat you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what they see in the mirror. 
The fact of the matter is, there are always going to be people who do not like you.
 People are self conscious and when they don't like you or treat you poorly it stems from their own personal insecurities.

Here in lies the cure....If we could all treat one another the way we wished to be treated ourselves life would be much better and easier for everyone.

So through my yoga (to help me de-stress and relax) and mindfulness (to help me think clearly and fairly) I have been able to deal with so many outrageous people.

 Throughout the years I have studied a lot of things. I have trained and I have learned.  One thing that has always resonated with me is western philosophy. I have always been touched deeply by Taoism. Because of that I have 10 precepts that guide me. I choose the word guide on purpose. You could read the following ten rules and translate it differently than I do. We all have a different point of view. But in reading the following, the underlying message never changes and that is kindness. 

10 Taoist Rules I live by:

1. Do not kill but always be mindful of the host of living beings.
2. Do not be lascivious or think depraved thoughts.
3. Do not steal or receive unrighteous wealth.
4. Do not cheat or misrepresent good and evil.
5. Do not get intoxicated but always think of pure conduct.
6. I will maintain harmony with my ancestors and family and never disregard my kin.
7. When I see someone do a good deed, I will support him with joy and delight.
8. When I see someone unfortunate, I will support him with dignity to recover good fortune.
9. When someone comes to do me harm, I will not harbor thoughts of revenge.
10. As long as all beings have not attained the Tao, I will not expect to do so myself.

I believe in energy. I believe in treating people right. And I believe in trying to be the best person I can be. I believe in encouraging others because why discourage? What do you get out of discouragement? 

I believe in thinking positive thoughts, negative thoughts only attract negativity. Like attracts like. 

And the biggest thing I believe in is forgiveness. The only person you are hurting by not forgiving is yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean you forget, it means you let go. 

I was raised a Catholic in the US. I came across these beliefs on my own. This does not make me a Taoist, this does not not make me a Catholic. This makes me a believer. A believer in kindness.

The Fire Academy- Part I

Spoiler alert, who would of thought a young, naive 23 year old woman entering the Fire Academy would be victim of discrimination and harassment?  Go figure, should of seen this one coming.  I guess we are stuck in the 20th century after all.....

I wanted so bad for it  to be a great experience, I was really hopeful for that. Already making history in a full time department as the first female firefighter, I thought I had the world in the palm of my hand.  I came from a call department that employed women, so us ladies were always a part of a team, and we were family. Sure, there was the select few that had strong feelings about women in the fire service, but they were proved wrong, time and time again. I wanted to be better then that though, this driving force inside me wanted to push myself to the limits.  So I did what I had to, trained for grueling physical agility test and went up against something almost impossible. I busted through that glass ceiling.

It was a rocky start from the beginning, failing one of the physical agility test to get into the fire academy only left me with one shot to do it the second time.  This was 2 weeks before I would start the academy.  Busted my ass....when you want something this bad you do what you have to, because otherwise you would fail yourself, and that's more disappointing then anything. My dad became my mentor, and we became closer then I've ever been with him in my life.  He prodded me along on our runs, weight lifting, and calestetics.  He even made ridiculous props to help simulate raising a 24 foot ladder (the event that I failed). It was great and he was my confidant.  He saw how bad I wanted this, and he was so proud. So with his help, I passed the exam with flying colors.  I left my extrication gloves behind because they caused me to fail the first time.(I couldn't get a grip on the rope simulating the ladder). Even one of the evaluator's said I was an excellent candidate for the fire service.  One of my proudest moments.....

I didn't let my chief down, and that was all that I cared about.  He took a gamble on me and I'm sure was under a lot of scrutiny for hiring a female. He was delighted when he found out I had passed.  I was happy that I didn't disappoint him, or myself.

My first day was of course was nerve wracking, the drive up there? Well that's a whole other blog.  An hour and a half with a couple of Muppet's, (with the exception of the guy I got hired with), made for a long ass drive.

We all sat in the auditorium, had introductions from salty instructors who have been in the fire service for 50 years and have seen everything, blah blah blah.  Then we all had to line up in a hall way to have our numbers assigned like beef cattle getting their ears tagged. This old greasy instructor with a big ol' belly came ripping down the hallway screaming at the top of his lungs berating us, calling us pieces of shit, etc,  just as a drill Sergeant would do.  I'm guessing he was trying to tear us down to build us back up and apparently tell us to "Respect my Authority!" as Cartmen from South Park would say.  I think it was to scare us?  I'm not sure, it was actually pretty comical. All I got out of that was I was number 7, and that's what I was know as for the next 12 weeks.

Lucky number 7.....lucky me.

Keep it real, sista's

Aze

New problem for men, we're so very familiar to it

So I guess men are under scrutiny lately and they are up in arms!
How dare society have such double standard, how can you be in shape and yet still be geeky??
How can you be smart but still cute?
How can you be sexy when they word is translated so differently by so many people!?
And how are you supposed to KNOW who you're supposed to be if everyone wants you to be something else!!!?

Oh the agony of it all!
Oh the frustrations!

Welcome boys, welcome to our world.

Here is an article I found on UPWORTHY:

Funny how a 'new' male problem is a very old problem for women. Amy Poehler explains.

Did someone say sexual harassment?

A couple years back I was working the late night shift.

We get a lot of deliveries at night and I’m in charge of opening the doors to let them in.

The drivers love to gab since they spend a majority of their time on the roads so it’s typical for conversations to come about.

I let in this one vendor and he was just an odd duck. He starts talking to me and the conversation is just bazaar so I kind of just give him the polite nods and’ yeps’.

He then asks me if I have a boyfriend. I think to myself this is getting inappropriate but I answer yes I do. He then asks me “Do you and your boyfriend watch porn?”

I am so shocked, I flush bright red and tell him that’s none of his business. He then proceeds to keep talking about porn and how he loves to watch it and watching it with a female is just the best. I again ask him to stop talking. He didn’t and kept on going. At that point he was done and I asked him to leave.

I do not want to deal with this again. I do not want anyone else to have to deal with this so I decide to report it to my store manager.

Now as a woman it’s a nerve racking experience reporting sexual harassment. You always hear these stories about how it always gets turned around and somehow you are at fault. But this, there’s no way I am at fault. I did what I was supposed to by asking him to stop and the next proper step is reporting.

The next day, I take all morning to build up the courage and I ask my store manager if I can speak with him in private. We go into the office and I sit down, he remains standing. Clearly I’m nervous and this makes him nervous. I then say I would like to report sexual harassment. He looks shocked and exclaims “someone here!?” I tell him no it’s a vendor. He looks relieved.

I then tell him my embarrassing story. He listens and takes it all in and takes a minute to think. He then says to me, and I remember this like it was yesterday,

“Don’t take this the wrong way but you may want to reconsider the way you dress…”

ARE YOU BLEEPING KIDDING ME!!!???

I must have looked like I was slapped! And I had nothing to say but “What???”

He then says, now remember I am sitting down and he is standing, “Like right now, I can see down your shirt.”

I say to him, don’t you understand I am not at fault for sexual harassment and the main reason a lot of it goes unreported is because of comments like that!

At that point I got up and left. I never reported it to HR. I did confide in a female coworker, she was a couple years older than I was and she just seemed a natural at handling things like this. She is someone I to this day strive to be like. It was her that told off the driver and suggested he change his route. Nothing was ever done company wide. No disciplinary actions ever taken.

It just, went away. 

The said "AFFAIR"

When I went into management in 2005 I was 22 years old. I was a friendly girl, I was a pretty girl, I was in shape, I was attractive..... and I do not mean that in any sort of bragging way. Those characteristics made me hate who I was.  I was naive.

Who would have thought they would hate "looking good"? Be careful what you wish for.

I was never a bad looking girl I was more lacking self confidence. I went to a small town high school with a graduating class of 220. I was a transfer from catholic school freshman year. I never found my place. I was always a tom boy and a majority of my allies were men. College helped me open up. I lived there two years, met amazing people, and was able to blossom. I was head of my class in my major (business management, marketing).

When I took the job as a manager, it was basically handed to me from the company I worked for. I went through a program and had several interviews and lo and behold (one semester before graduation) I had a job offer for a management position. I was going from a part time clerk to an assistant store manager. In an instant I was going from $6.75/hr to making $40,000 a year. I was on top of the world. My favorite professor (who has since then passed on RIP prof. Wolk)shook his head in disappointment and told me I could do so much more. I wish I listened then but hindsight is always 20/20.

A year into my new job I was acting still like a 22 year old bubbly girl on top of the world. Women, unfortunately, did not like me. Unfortunately I did not like them. Perhaps it's because I still saw them as a threat and and allied up with men. No, that's not a perhaps.... that's a most likely.

I had one man in particular in which I felt very comfortable around. We became friends. He was my trusted ally in the store. But he was good looking; Mario Lopez was his twin. And he was married. And he was the object of affection for many of the women in the store. Rumors started to fly by three women in particular.

Nothing was actually there but we decided if they're going to talk, let's make them jealous. (childish and stupid I KNOW) And jealous they did get.

One day I intercepted a letter addressed to the store manager, now it was my job to open all the mail. It was a letter written to my store manager for her to open her eyes and see what is going and went on to describe this imaginary affair.

I thought this was ridiculous and I was outraged so the first thing I did was call my ally and let him know what these bitches had done. Then I called my store manager and told her about the letter and about how this has gone too far. I also brought up some sexual harassment things they had said to me.  She was appalled and said she was on my side and that we would take care of them.

Two days later I was sitting in the office with my store manager and HR. Them telling me they know about the letter. When I said I know they know because I'm the one who told them, they said why don't you tell me about the other letter.

Apparently these three women created this story about a letter I wrote to this man declaring my love for him and explicitly detailing our relationship. No letter was ever found as evidence but "three corroborating stories" were enough evidence. And they took my speechless, panicked, blushed response as guilt.

I was transferred 60 miles from my house effective the next day. I was not to talk to anyone and not to try to contact the store.

I was fucked over. And I was too young to know.

So apparently ambition is desperation....

I had an amazing year last year.

Literally, I made a name for myself. I feel like I finally came into myself and decided THIS IS WHAT I WANT. When I decide that, you best not stand in my way!!!! 

My district director praised me, my store manager adored me. I made an impact. I moved numbers. Everything I did seemed to have awesome results. I felt like no time is better than the now. So I applied for a job I was more than qualified for, just a bit above my pay grade. But hey the answer is always no unless you ask!!

So I applied for an internal job. I get a call back for a phone interview, and I and psyched!! Until I hear who it's with... a not so big fan of mine. Oh well, better to make it through this interview then to not. So I interview. Not gonna lie, it was not good. I wasn't ready for some of the questions and I did not speak very well. 

Not a big deal, lesson learned. I did not get called in for an interview but the best way to learn is by making mistakes. 

A couple months later I'm doing even better and feeling even stronger so I apply for another position, same position as the previous just different department. I get a call back and now I HAVE an actual interview. I'm super psyched. And now I'm prepared. But the department I'm applying for I don't have much experience with but I'm a quick learner. 

I go into the interview and it's two people I don't know. One Human Resources, one the regional department director. So we go through the interview and I answer all their questions and I'm feeling good. I did get caught up with one or two of the questions but I've learned to (as my now store manager recently told me) have the gift of gab. 

I get a call a couple weeks later from the HR manager that was in the interview and she has not ONE thing bad to say. She tells me the regional director was absolutely impressed with my interview and how I handled myself. She told me I interview exceptionally well and I know how to hold myself. But the job went to someone with more experience in the department.

I took this as a good thing.....

A couple weeks later I get an email from my HR manager. There's a job that was posted that no one was going for. It was along the buying side. So I read the description and it's a temp position in the buying department but more along the lines of marketing. I went to school for marketing and could hear my recently deceased professor saying GO FOR ITTTTTT!!!!

So I did. And I got an interview and AGAIN I aced it. This time even more prepared then the last. It's a completely different story how that interview went but lo and behold I didn't get it.

I get a call rom the recruiter, a different person then before. She tells me everyone was blown away with my interview and that I have such a bright future with the company. I'm told everyone was hands tied with the decision but it came down to me and the person they chose.

Again, I take it as a good sign.

I was then moved into a lateral position and training for 6 weeks. 

So another position opens up for the first position I had applied for... so I went for that. I get a call from the HR rep that did the actual interview with me that gave me rave reviews and she tells me I wasn't selected again but hang in there and get through my training and keep my head up.

I get through training and move into my role. I'm there fore 8 weeks when the position I actually WANT opens up. I apply.....................................

Let me add that I have been very close with the person in this role, kind of shadowing them; Recently I was called in to cover off the back end of a meeting because they were sick and no one in the district was more qualified than me to run it; so I ran the back end of it.

MY human resource manager whom I get along with very well comes to my store. He calls me into the office and says he got word I applied for this job. He then says I will not be interviewing for this job because I did not get the job I previously interviewed for. (let that sink in...............)

I say to him, that's fine I'm just going to keep on applying until they realize I'm what they want.

Ambition?? You would think so.

He says, well that actually makes you look desperate and perhaps you should give it a rest. (Of course he says *hands in the air* that's not what I'm saying but others)

Thanks HR rep for defending me. Apparently ambition is desperation

Apparently HR can stand in the way.

How to be a woman in a man's world without being a man... I'm so confused!

So let me try to get this straight........

A man tells you what to do and how to do your job and he's respected...
A woman tells you what to do and how to do your job and she's a bitch.
Yet if she let's you do whatever you want and doesn't call you on your shit she's too soft.

A man comes to work in a suit and tie everyday and he's dapper....
A woman comes to work in a blazer and heels everyday and she's trying too hard.
Yet if she wore a camisole and a sweater, or yet a button up shirt she shows too much cleavage or skin because if you stand over her you can see down her shirt.

A man works 16 hour days and doesn't spend any time with his family, he's rewarded...
A woman works 16 hour days and doesn't spend any time with her family and she's neglectful.
Yet if she works the 9-5 scheduled shift she's not dedicated.

A man works hard and does everything he can to better himself and he's promoted...
A woman works hard and does everything she can to better herself and she's promoted, and everyone wonders who she's sleeping with.
Yet if she's not working hard and not trying to better herself and still has her job, everyone wonders who she's sleeping with.

A man gets high ratings on his review from hard work and dedication and he gets a great raise...
A woman gets high ratings on her review from hard work and dedication and she get's, eh.
Yet if she doesn't work hard or does the average she gets, eh.

A man will be at work sweating in his shirt and tie putting together displays or getting shit done and no one looks twice...
A woman will be at work sweating in her heels and blazer putting together displays or getting shit done and everyone stops to say "smile."
Yet if she doesn't, she's lazy. And GOD forbid she doesn't smile, then (again) she's a bitch.

A man grabs a screw driver and wrench to move something and again no one thinks twice...
A woman grabs a screw driver and wrench to move something (happened to me JUST last night!!) and she get's applauded for getting her hands dirty or condescension "Isn't there a man around that can do that?"
Yet if she doesn't come up with some witty comment or giggle she's taking things too personal.

So what do you want me to do???? Please tell me, because I HAVE NO IDEA.

Frustrations

I am a smart woman. I am a successful woman. I am a capable woman, yet time after time after time I am made to feel otherwise.

Being in the management field there is a clear difference between women and men, and I know some are sitting there rolling their eyes and saying to themselves yea right just an excuse but I have fallen victim to it on more than one occasion.

For the last 10 years of my life I have been a manager and in these 10 years I have been accused of 4 affairs, I have been rumored to be pregnant (for 15 months straight phew what a long grueling pregnancy) when no baby ever came I was said to have had a miscarriage and then rumored to have gone out on a leave of absence due to my depression after losing the imaginary baby.

I have reported sexual harassment only to be told the one thing a woman is scared of hearing when reporting sexual harassment "Maybe you should reconsider how you dress."

I have aced interviews only to be told that I have come in second to more qualified *ahem, men* people.

Recently I was told by human resources that I should stop applying to jobs because it makes me look "desperate."

I was 1 of 3 out of 120 people rated a 2 on my review last year yet I am told that I am not qualified and desperate when I try to better myself and further my career.

And I am sick of it.

Time to teach all you women out there how to deal with situations you will run into that no one ever tells you about. Time to start talking.