Did someone say sexual harassment?

A couple years back I was working the late night shift.

We get a lot of deliveries at night and I’m in charge of opening the doors to let them in.

The drivers love to gab since they spend a majority of their time on the roads so it’s typical for conversations to come about.

I let in this one vendor and he was just an odd duck. He starts talking to me and the conversation is just bazaar so I kind of just give him the polite nods and’ yeps’.

He then asks me if I have a boyfriend. I think to myself this is getting inappropriate but I answer yes I do. He then asks me “Do you and your boyfriend watch porn?”

I am so shocked, I flush bright red and tell him that’s none of his business. He then proceeds to keep talking about porn and how he loves to watch it and watching it with a female is just the best. I again ask him to stop talking. He didn’t and kept on going. At that point he was done and I asked him to leave.

I do not want to deal with this again. I do not want anyone else to have to deal with this so I decide to report it to my store manager.

Now as a woman it’s a nerve racking experience reporting sexual harassment. You always hear these stories about how it always gets turned around and somehow you are at fault. But this, there’s no way I am at fault. I did what I was supposed to by asking him to stop and the next proper step is reporting.

The next day, I take all morning to build up the courage and I ask my store manager if I can speak with him in private. We go into the office and I sit down, he remains standing. Clearly I’m nervous and this makes him nervous. I then say I would like to report sexual harassment. He looks shocked and exclaims “someone here!?” I tell him no it’s a vendor. He looks relieved.

I then tell him my embarrassing story. He listens and takes it all in and takes a minute to think. He then says to me, and I remember this like it was yesterday,

“Don’t take this the wrong way but you may want to reconsider the way you dress…”

ARE YOU BLEEPING KIDDING ME!!!???

I must have looked like I was slapped! And I had nothing to say but “What???”

He then says, now remember I am sitting down and he is standing, “Like right now, I can see down your shirt.”

I say to him, don’t you understand I am not at fault for sexual harassment and the main reason a lot of it goes unreported is because of comments like that!

At that point I got up and left. I never reported it to HR. I did confide in a female coworker, she was a couple years older than I was and she just seemed a natural at handling things like this. She is someone I to this day strive to be like. It was her that told off the driver and suggested he change his route. Nothing was ever done company wide. No disciplinary actions ever taken.

It just, went away. 

The said "AFFAIR"

When I went into management in 2005 I was 22 years old. I was a friendly girl, I was a pretty girl, I was in shape, I was attractive..... and I do not mean that in any sort of bragging way. Those characteristics made me hate who I was.  I was naive.

Who would have thought they would hate "looking good"? Be careful what you wish for.

I was never a bad looking girl I was more lacking self confidence. I went to a small town high school with a graduating class of 220. I was a transfer from catholic school freshman year. I never found my place. I was always a tom boy and a majority of my allies were men. College helped me open up. I lived there two years, met amazing people, and was able to blossom. I was head of my class in my major (business management, marketing).

When I took the job as a manager, it was basically handed to me from the company I worked for. I went through a program and had several interviews and lo and behold (one semester before graduation) I had a job offer for a management position. I was going from a part time clerk to an assistant store manager. In an instant I was going from $6.75/hr to making $40,000 a year. I was on top of the world. My favorite professor (who has since then passed on RIP prof. Wolk)shook his head in disappointment and told me I could do so much more. I wish I listened then but hindsight is always 20/20.

A year into my new job I was acting still like a 22 year old bubbly girl on top of the world. Women, unfortunately, did not like me. Unfortunately I did not like them. Perhaps it's because I still saw them as a threat and and allied up with men. No, that's not a perhaps.... that's a most likely.

I had one man in particular in which I felt very comfortable around. We became friends. He was my trusted ally in the store. But he was good looking; Mario Lopez was his twin. And he was married. And he was the object of affection for many of the women in the store. Rumors started to fly by three women in particular.

Nothing was actually there but we decided if they're going to talk, let's make them jealous. (childish and stupid I KNOW) And jealous they did get.

One day I intercepted a letter addressed to the store manager, now it was my job to open all the mail. It was a letter written to my store manager for her to open her eyes and see what is going and went on to describe this imaginary affair.

I thought this was ridiculous and I was outraged so the first thing I did was call my ally and let him know what these bitches had done. Then I called my store manager and told her about the letter and about how this has gone too far. I also brought up some sexual harassment things they had said to me.  She was appalled and said she was on my side and that we would take care of them.

Two days later I was sitting in the office with my store manager and HR. Them telling me they know about the letter. When I said I know they know because I'm the one who told them, they said why don't you tell me about the other letter.

Apparently these three women created this story about a letter I wrote to this man declaring my love for him and explicitly detailing our relationship. No letter was ever found as evidence but "three corroborating stories" were enough evidence. And they took my speechless, panicked, blushed response as guilt.

I was transferred 60 miles from my house effective the next day. I was not to talk to anyone and not to try to contact the store.

I was fucked over. And I was too young to know.

So apparently ambition is desperation....

I had an amazing year last year.

Literally, I made a name for myself. I feel like I finally came into myself and decided THIS IS WHAT I WANT. When I decide that, you best not stand in my way!!!! 

My district director praised me, my store manager adored me. I made an impact. I moved numbers. Everything I did seemed to have awesome results. I felt like no time is better than the now. So I applied for a job I was more than qualified for, just a bit above my pay grade. But hey the answer is always no unless you ask!!

So I applied for an internal job. I get a call back for a phone interview, and I and psyched!! Until I hear who it's with... a not so big fan of mine. Oh well, better to make it through this interview then to not. So I interview. Not gonna lie, it was not good. I wasn't ready for some of the questions and I did not speak very well. 

Not a big deal, lesson learned. I did not get called in for an interview but the best way to learn is by making mistakes. 

A couple months later I'm doing even better and feeling even stronger so I apply for another position, same position as the previous just different department. I get a call back and now I HAVE an actual interview. I'm super psyched. And now I'm prepared. But the department I'm applying for I don't have much experience with but I'm a quick learner. 

I go into the interview and it's two people I don't know. One Human Resources, one the regional department director. So we go through the interview and I answer all their questions and I'm feeling good. I did get caught up with one or two of the questions but I've learned to (as my now store manager recently told me) have the gift of gab. 

I get a call a couple weeks later from the HR manager that was in the interview and she has not ONE thing bad to say. She tells me the regional director was absolutely impressed with my interview and how I handled myself. She told me I interview exceptionally well and I know how to hold myself. But the job went to someone with more experience in the department.

I took this as a good thing.....

A couple weeks later I get an email from my HR manager. There's a job that was posted that no one was going for. It was along the buying side. So I read the description and it's a temp position in the buying department but more along the lines of marketing. I went to school for marketing and could hear my recently deceased professor saying GO FOR ITTTTTT!!!!

So I did. And I got an interview and AGAIN I aced it. This time even more prepared then the last. It's a completely different story how that interview went but lo and behold I didn't get it.

I get a call rom the recruiter, a different person then before. She tells me everyone was blown away with my interview and that I have such a bright future with the company. I'm told everyone was hands tied with the decision but it came down to me and the person they chose.

Again, I take it as a good sign.

I was then moved into a lateral position and training for 6 weeks. 

So another position opens up for the first position I had applied for... so I went for that. I get a call from the HR rep that did the actual interview with me that gave me rave reviews and she tells me I wasn't selected again but hang in there and get through my training and keep my head up.

I get through training and move into my role. I'm there fore 8 weeks when the position I actually WANT opens up. I apply.....................................

Let me add that I have been very close with the person in this role, kind of shadowing them; Recently I was called in to cover off the back end of a meeting because they were sick and no one in the district was more qualified than me to run it; so I ran the back end of it.

MY human resource manager whom I get along with very well comes to my store. He calls me into the office and says he got word I applied for this job. He then says I will not be interviewing for this job because I did not get the job I previously interviewed for. (let that sink in...............)

I say to him, that's fine I'm just going to keep on applying until they realize I'm what they want.

Ambition?? You would think so.

He says, well that actually makes you look desperate and perhaps you should give it a rest. (Of course he says *hands in the air* that's not what I'm saying but others)

Thanks HR rep for defending me. Apparently ambition is desperation

Apparently HR can stand in the way.

How to be a woman in a man's world without being a man... I'm so confused!

So let me try to get this straight........

A man tells you what to do and how to do your job and he's respected...
A woman tells you what to do and how to do your job and she's a bitch.
Yet if she let's you do whatever you want and doesn't call you on your shit she's too soft.

A man comes to work in a suit and tie everyday and he's dapper....
A woman comes to work in a blazer and heels everyday and she's trying too hard.
Yet if she wore a camisole and a sweater, or yet a button up shirt she shows too much cleavage or skin because if you stand over her you can see down her shirt.

A man works 16 hour days and doesn't spend any time with his family, he's rewarded...
A woman works 16 hour days and doesn't spend any time with her family and she's neglectful.
Yet if she works the 9-5 scheduled shift she's not dedicated.

A man works hard and does everything he can to better himself and he's promoted...
A woman works hard and does everything she can to better herself and she's promoted, and everyone wonders who she's sleeping with.
Yet if she's not working hard and not trying to better herself and still has her job, everyone wonders who she's sleeping with.

A man gets high ratings on his review from hard work and dedication and he gets a great raise...
A woman gets high ratings on her review from hard work and dedication and she get's, eh.
Yet if she doesn't work hard or does the average she gets, eh.

A man will be at work sweating in his shirt and tie putting together displays or getting shit done and no one looks twice...
A woman will be at work sweating in her heels and blazer putting together displays or getting shit done and everyone stops to say "smile."
Yet if she doesn't, she's lazy. And GOD forbid she doesn't smile, then (again) she's a bitch.

A man grabs a screw driver and wrench to move something and again no one thinks twice...
A woman grabs a screw driver and wrench to move something (happened to me JUST last night!!) and she get's applauded for getting her hands dirty or condescension "Isn't there a man around that can do that?"
Yet if she doesn't come up with some witty comment or giggle she's taking things too personal.

So what do you want me to do???? Please tell me, because I HAVE NO IDEA.

Frustrations

I am a smart woman. I am a successful woman. I am a capable woman, yet time after time after time I am made to feel otherwise.

Being in the management field there is a clear difference between women and men, and I know some are sitting there rolling their eyes and saying to themselves yea right just an excuse but I have fallen victim to it on more than one occasion.

For the last 10 years of my life I have been a manager and in these 10 years I have been accused of 4 affairs, I have been rumored to be pregnant (for 15 months straight phew what a long grueling pregnancy) when no baby ever came I was said to have had a miscarriage and then rumored to have gone out on a leave of absence due to my depression after losing the imaginary baby.

I have reported sexual harassment only to be told the one thing a woman is scared of hearing when reporting sexual harassment "Maybe you should reconsider how you dress."

I have aced interviews only to be told that I have come in second to more qualified *ahem, men* people.

Recently I was told by human resources that I should stop applying to jobs because it makes me look "desperate."

I was 1 of 3 out of 120 people rated a 2 on my review last year yet I am told that I am not qualified and desperate when I try to better myself and further my career.

And I am sick of it.

Time to teach all you women out there how to deal with situations you will run into that no one ever tells you about. Time to start talking.