Look after your friends. Make sure they're ok.

Life is a very powerful thing. It can lift you up or it can weigh you down. You can be on the top of the world and all of a sudden find yourself being crushed by the same power that was just holding you up. 

Not everyone has to go through this. Lucky.

But for those of us who do go through this, it can be a terrifying ordeal. You feel stripped of power, you feel stripped of control. You feel lost and in the dark. You feel the light inside of you being snuffed out. You feel so very alone.

The one thing we need is the one thing we push away, our loved ones. We don't want you to know what's going on with us because we feel like it's not normal. We are ashamed to feel so weak. So we close ourselves off from the world. We think we are protecting ourselves but really we are doing such terrible damage. 

I will tell you, if you see someone pulling away pull back.  It can be very frustrating for the people being pushed away and it is some much easier to say fine have your space but when people give us our space and allow us to pull away we feel, as untrue as it may be, like we were never wanted needed or loved in the first place. A feeling of abandonment creeps in. Help is no where in sight. It never is.

Here is a few things we want you to know, we need you to know, somethings you should pay attention to:

1. Always being late or canceling plans all together. It always starts with being late and then little by little we just stop showing up and cancel plans. I know this is frustrating for people we have plans with but we honestly don't have the strength to put on a happy face sometimes. Sometimes it is so much easier to pull the covers over our head and go back to a dream world. 

2. Drinking more than we usually do.  One day you turn around and all your plans revolve around going out and having drinks. You may not notice it right away but pretty soon you will see that the only time we come around is if there's booze involved. This is the moment you should say something to us. You should express concern. And if we don't listen, make us. The easiest way to hide your feelings is at the bottom of a bottle. The thing about that is it's a vicious cycle. You drink to feel better and wake up the next day even more depressed.

3. When you come over, if you ever do, and our place is a disaster. This is not because we don't care about what our place looks like and we are a slob. This is because we don't care about anything especially ourselves. We don't have the energy to get out of bed how do you expect us to have the energy to clean up after ourselves. This is a very important thing to pay attention to. The space we live in is a direct reflection of what is going on in our head. 

There is so much more that I could say about what to look for but these are the things I lived through. These are the things people ignored. These are the things I need you to know. 

The Power of Women

In a perfect world women would all support each other. In a perfect world we would hold each other up when one of our sisters are down. But we don't live in a perfect world. We as women are sometimes our own and each others worst enemies. 

I remember once a friend was over and the monster came home in rare form, yelling and screaming and belittling me in front of her and finally slapping me across the face when I dared to speak back to him. I do not remember her saying much except telling me I should leave him quietly when he was in the other room and then getting up and leaving after he slapped me. What I do recall is the next day when I brought my children to school and saw her on the playground talking to a few other mothers. It was not compassion for my situation she was showing instead she was making jokes with the other women about how stupid I was. I was already shamed by the horror I was living in and I didn't see a safe way out at the time and now I was further shamed by the actions of someone I considered a friend. 

I know she couldn't save me I know I needed to save myself I know I was in a bad situation which I would one day crawl up from. I didn't need her to save me what I needed was a friend. I needed someone in my life to look beyond my situation and see me as a person, a human being not the stupid woman the monster told me I was. Her actions validated to me what he had told me all along. No one liked me, no one loved me, I was a worthless piece of shit and I was lucky he tolerated me. 

A few years later I would go to work at a new place and I would meet a group of women who would not judge me. These women without even knowing it helped me realize I was a smart funny beautiful woman with a lot to offer the world. They built my confidence by showing me kindness and friendship I forever will be grateful to these women for the jump start they gave me to a better life. 

As I have aged I try to be more mindful of the way I treat other women. I try not to judge them on appearance or circumstance. I try to put myself in their shoes and show them compassion. I am not perfect and sometimes find myself showing judgement rather then compassion and when I catch myself doing this I quickly reign the negative thoughts in and make it right. An amazing poet and friend wrote this beautiful poem about women although I can not publish it here as it is her work I can share my favorite line "If the statistics are 1 in 4 that means 3 should be holding each other up WE should be holding each other up." This not only holds true for victims of all kinds of violence against women but this holds true for all women. If one voice has the power to make a change in this world imagine what the roar of millions of women standing in unity can do to make positive changes in our world.

Hand over Heart Challenge

Ok so we have heard of this belly button challenge right? If you can reach your belly button with your hand then you are thin enough....

Well..... I am NOT thin enough lol! Nor do I want to be that thin. I'm pretty happy with my strong core and my ability to out plank most. But power to those who like to be that thin and can reach their own belly buttons, I'd have to dislocate my own shoulder and I'm sure some people are so desperate to reach their belly buttons they actually might.

Now there's the collar bone challenge to prove you're thin enough... you place a stack of quarters in your collar bone and if they sit there you're thin enough.......ENOUGH!

My challenge to you is the #handoverheart challenge.
If you can put your hand over your heart and feel it beating, congratulations. You have a heart.
One thing we lose sight of is having a heart. Being kind to one another. Being kind to ourselves.
So let's remind the world that we have a  heart.

In a world full of Kardashian's and gossip magazines we lose sight of what is really important. Have you heard of the human element? Probably not. No one really talks about it. Not anymore. It's not important. What's important is how many likes we can get on Facebook, how many strangers love our selfies on instagram. How many retweets we can get. This is so important to us retweet was actually added to the dictionary!
My personal Facebook page has 154 people on it. I am happy with that number. I can say that I talk to  a majority of my 'friends' at least once a year. I use my Facebook to keep up with family and keep in touch with friends that have moved away.
I get requests from people I don't know, well not so much now that I have my profile picture set to me and my husband lol. I don't accept requests from people I don't know.
Also, if you won't say hello to me when I see you in the supermarket make sure you're not sending me a friend request. My friends list is for just that... friends.
How many people can say the same? I know Facebook, twitter, instagram, etc. is not going to make me famous but I also wouldn't want to be.
Look at all these celebrities trying to portray somebody. Trying to capture all they are in a selfie or a tweet.  I'm have a guilty confession, I read the comments on pictures. They are so mean. Or so doting.  Mostly mean.  All these people are either obsessed with love or obsessed with hatred.
It has got to be exhausting to try to be the person everyone loves or hates.
So rather than try to prove we are skinny enough, or pretty enough, or tough enough... let's just show we have a heart.

Let's see your selfies... tweet it, instagram it, Facebook it, delete it, do it for yourself. Let's show the world we still have a heart. Now trending! #handoverheart

From zero to my own hero

Growing up is hard to do. These are 6 words that couldn't be more true.
When you grow up, you find your own way.
You follow your own path.
You make your own mistakes.
You grow and move on.

The problem is, there are so many people out there that want to see you fail. They need you to fail so they can succeed. They need you to fail so they can feel better about themselves.
This is true at any age. You will always run into those people that enjoy your misery a little too much...

You learn that a big circle of friends is not necessarily the best thing. You learn to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You learn that trust has to be earned and once it's lost it is damn near impossible to get back. You learn.

In my life I have seen a lot. A lot of which I will not get into right now, those who know me can attest to that. At 32 years old I feel as though I have fallen to the very bottom and have fought my way back to the top blood, sweat, and tears only to trip and fall down again. Sometimes I have tripped over my own feet, sometimes I have been pushed by others. What I have learned is I am so much stronger then they think.

I'm not sure what is worse, realizing you're on rock bottom or having the floor fall out from underneath you. Both are equally devastating. You really have two paths to choose when either happens, accept it or fight it. It is so much easier to accept it. Sometimes we feel like all we are doing is fighting.

At this point in my life I have realized how people work. I have learned to see through their facades to look past the surface. I trust few and have learned to stick up for myself. No one else is going to. I've learned the consequences of self doubt and I've learned the rewards of self confidence.

I like to sum up things with songs.... I think every girl, every woman, every person that has ever doubted themselves, anybody who has ever wanted to give up... here are your theme songs...



FIGHT SONG by Rachel Platten and why I love it:

"This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me"

ROAR by Katy Perry and why I love her:

"I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agree politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up 

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up 

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now"

I love these ladies <3

Fire Academy Part II

Today while I was at work, I was asked how I liked the academy. I thought to myself how ironic to be asked this seeing that I started this blog post about the academy.  However, this post is not just about the academy, but the fire service in general.  I found it intriguing that as I explained a little about my experience, his comment to me was that he would forbid his girlfriend from ever becoming a firefighter, he wouldn't want her to be subjected to  all the verbal abuse.  My response to him was any woman can do what she wants. I try not to get too angry when it comes to explaining my feelings about women and their career choices to misled peers.  Yes, it is a dangerous job, I know what I signed up for.  But what I didn't sign up for is to be doubted, or disrespected.  

I digress....The first couple weeks of the academy were actually pretty exciting. We did many evolution's involving a lot of basic firefighting tactics and a lot of PT.  I felt pretty good about  keeping up with the guys.   I had quite a bit of training from my previous department, but I was glad the academy started everyone as beginners. Lord knows I needed the refreshers.  Then came the grading days......I'm pretty sure I stuck out like a sore thumb with my small stature buried in turnout gear.  I was blessed, however, to have one other woman in the academy with me.  She was a bit older and a lot more mature.  There was only a handful of these grading days throughout the whole academy, and as you can imagine were completely nerve wracking. So the first evolution test came along, low and behold the instructor picks me to go first. Now this evolution consisted of dressing a hydrant.  There were particular points you were suppose to hit on like parking the truck, chocking the wheels, pulling the line and the hydrant bag off the back and make sure that you stepped down the right way. How you put the couplings on, which one went first after the hydrant assist valve. So on and so forth.  I went through the evolution pretty nervous, with knots in my stomach and got it done.  At the end of my test the instructor walked over to me, real nonchalant and was like, meh, too many kinks in the hose, oh and he didn't like how I dressed the hydrant.  So he gigged me like 7 or 8 gigs, I get it, I didn't do it quite right. Not a big deal.  

The next evolution, I was also picked to go first, coincidence? I was hoping it was.  This evolution was more hands on and consisted of driving the truck, putting the truck in park, chocking the wheels, putting the truck in pump, getting a water source and flowing water.  So off I go, doing my thing and we are suppose to shut down the water supply to the hand lines when signaled to do so.  Everything went smoothly, even with the instructor watching me like a hawk with his obnoxious clipboard and pencil. Then the other instructor I thought signaled me to shut down the water, I'm not sure why I panicked, but I did and I shut down the main intake valve instead of the hand line valves. Whatever it was, apparently he wasn't signaling me to shut them down and I  screwed it up.  That one ended up with a dozen gigs and I wanted to crawl under a rock.....

I know these imaginary gigs were just used as a scare tactic, but they sure started to pile up.  I kept pushing the thought "its because I'm a female and they don't want to see me succeed" conspiracy out of my mind.  There is nothing I dislike more but that nagging feeling that its because I'm a girl that I am treated different, or to use that as an excuse.  The one thing I am is proud at times is that I am able to hold my own, or at least let me try, dammit. I pushed those negative thoughts aside, I still had 9 or 10 weeks to go.

One of the advantages of being one of the only women in the academy was the kick ass locker room we had.  While the guys lined up down the hallway to take their showers, I squeeze through the crowd of sweaty peers to enjoy a long relaxing shower everyday.  The boys would groan about their grueling hygienic routine and lament about how lucky we were.....that I have to say, was a wonderful perk I had.  I relished it.

Its been interesting trying to recollect all of these experiences since it's been almost 7 years.  A lot of other things have come and gone since then, including some of my memories, which in a way isn't a bad thing.  Probably filed some of the more painful experiences away for now.

5 songs to move your soul

Music is such a powerful instrument. It has the ability to comfort, to encourage, to inspire, to empower. There are several songs I turn to depending on my mood. If I want to get out of a bad mood, if I want to have a pity party, if I want to get pumped up, if I want to just feel good. Here is a list of 5 songs I listen to to remind me that I am good enough. Each song has a different mood to it  and it song has powerful lyrics that seem to embrace the way my mind works. Have a listen, you might just find the song that fits for you.

1. Colbie Calliet "Try"

     With all this different realities of what we should be, Colbie Calliet reminds us that we don't have to Try. We do all this stuff to impress everyone else but "do you like you?" The thing that we lose sight of is what makes us happy. That should be our number one priority, making ourselves happy. Truth be told, you can't make anyone else happy unless you're truly happy. You also can't look to someone else to make you happy. The key to happiness is you.
Every single person you meet is going to want you to be a different person. It's very important for us to learn who we are and be that person. Too many of us lose sight of that and want to be the next Kylie Jenner or Kate Upton.
Take a listen if you want to hear stuff like:

"Wait a second,

Why should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing"

2. Kacey Musgraves "Follow your arrow"

Kacey is such great songwriter. She takes the double standards we encounter everyday and says hey "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so you might as well do whatever you want."  She tackles so many topics such as how we should act, who we should like, what we should believe in.
The thing about it is, there's only ever two outcomes... you do or you don't, so why not do what you want?
If you're feeling confused about which way to go, listen to Kacey and she'll make you care a little less about what everyone else thinks. She puts a rather comical spin on it and makes us realize how ridiculous society is. She makes us remember we only live once so we might as well live the life we want.
How can you go wrong with lyrics like:
"If you save yourself for marriage
You're a bore
If you don't save yourself for marriage
You're a whore-able person
If you won't have a drink
Then you're a prude
But they'll call you a drunk
As soon as you down the first one"

So have a listen and a laugh, or don't. It's up to you!

3. P!nk "Most Girls"

This is the independent women anthem! P!nk has so many strong songs but this one gets me pumped up. I love when this song pops on my playlist the last mile of my run. It gives me that extra burst I need to bring it home.
I look up to P!nk for so many reasons. She does her own thing and seems to not care what anyone thinks. She puts her haters in their place and does it with her head held high. She seems to laugh at the preconceived notions of what a woman should be. We all should take a page out of her book and just laugh. Instead of worrying about being what they want, ask "Can you be everything that I dream of?"
She reminds us with her lyrics that we don't need validation from anyone.
"But I'm not every girl and I don't need that world to validate me
Cuz shorty's got a job, shorty's got a car, shorty can pay her own rent
Don't wanna dance if it is not in my heart"

4. The Wreckers "Stand Still and Look Pretty"

 I find this song so so powerful. It's where I find my strength in my weakness. This song is the song I listen to when I need a good cry. When I want to feel not so alone. It reminds me that it could be worse but at the same time it empathizes with the times I beat myself up.
We all have that vulnerable moment where we doubt ourselves. This song puts into words my weakest moments. This is the song about what happens when you try to be everything to everyone. This song is downright depressing but just like a great sad movie, we all need that great sad song.
The wreckers lay out lyrics that pull at my deep dark heart strings, they had the guts to put on paper everything I was terrified to admit.
"I am slowly falling apart 
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty"
DISCLAIMER: You may shed a tear and you may hit repeat just to make yourself feel not so alone

5. Katy Perry "Part of Me"

I have blasted this song in the car so many times for so many different occasions. Katy Perry, oh Katy Perry. She reminds me that no matter what people have done to me, there is always that part of me that you can never take away. We all let things get to us and this is the song we need to remind us that while it may hurt, you still have you, and you will rebound ten times stronger.
She reminds us that we have to keep moving forward, that was then and this is now... we have to grow from every life lesson learned.
She sets it straight, you can knock me down but I'm getting right back up.
"I fell deep, you let me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

[Chorus]

Now look at me I’m sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won't ever put me out again
I’m glowin’, oh, whoa"

It's ok to ask for help

One day you wake up and the world around you has changed in the blink of an eye.
Maybe it's because of work.
Maybe it's because of family.
Maybe it's because of love.
Regardless, you wake up with this hole in you. This feeling of hopelessness. This feeling of loss.  Sometimes it's hard to even say exactly what it is... it can be a bunch of little things and it was one straw that broke the camels back.
But this is just today, there's always tomorrow.
Unfortunately tomorrow you have an even harder time getting out of bed. What's the point? You couldn't sleep last night because your mind was racing and you couldn't find your shut off switch.
You get up anyways, you put on a strong face for the world and you go about your day.
The next day the same thing, and the next and the next. You tell yourself it's just a funk and you'll wake up better tomorrow.
But two weeks down the road this funk has you so drained, so exhausted, so on edge. It's starting to impact people around you. It's starting to impact your life.
This is real life, this isn't just a funk.
This is called depression.

Many people go through it and many people don't understand it. They try to put on a brave face and say tomorrow will be better, and maybe it will be. But some people get dragged down to the bottom of this deep deep ocean. Some people don't see a way out.

I went through this about 6 years ago when a whole bunch of stuff went wrong. I didn't see the signs. I didn't know what this was. I was too stubborn to go to the doctors. I was too stubborn to admit I was broken. I had always said no one will ever break me.
But I was broken. I let this go on for about 3 months until I almost lost my job, I lost so many friends, and I had stopped reaching out to anyone. I never asked for help.
I was pulled aside by a coworker and told that I was going to get fired unless I took time off because of stress. I didn't think it was that bad, I didn't think I was "that" person.
I dragged myself to the doctor.
Turns out I was depressed.
Turns out there was things that could help me.
Turns out there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
I just had to ask.
God, do I hate asking for help.

The thing about being a strong, stubborn, independent woman is you do go through rough patches. You do need to ask for help. You do need help sometimes. Sometimes you have to think about what's best for YOU and swallow your stubborn arrogant pride and say I NEED HELP!!!
It's ok. You're not the first person to ever say those words. Neither am I.